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Captain Smarm
  • Male
  • Brooklyn, NY
  • United States
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  • Photos
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  • Herb Bloomquist
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ABOUT ME!

Here's the boy with the pictures of me or somesuch. I dunno what... Marty's Sock Puppet Portrait Online Emporium, or buy the on an Etsy.

BIO
I once ate 27 jars of marmalade high atop Mount Killback. Of course it was the all the rage at the time to both climb Mt. Killback AND to eat a great deal of marmalade...but far be it from me to chase another man's dream, particularly while on their bicycle... Which is to say that I couldn't hold a flag or a tenor to it...

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!

At any rate, the measles had just taken hold of olde Zeke Zanfrester. 'Course Zeke weren't so old back then - was he? Nuh! Huh! Uh-uh. Soooooo...we have to go find that olde injun fella to teach us some o'his magic tricks and whatnots! Let's get goin! And sure enough we found him in the wheat field b'hind Ma Campbell's place, but wouldn't you know it - Jimmy Twotree went and stumbled into the very snake pit that we dug! Ain't that always the way! So we says 'Bye, Jimmy!' and 'Helloooo Mabeline!'

And that's how I met your grandmother.

Who I'd like to meet:
Now, if it weren't for those two firemen, I'd have been pinned down by that Mexican voodoo man. He knew all the right moves, see - and he's been following me all day long. I first noticed him when I was in the breads and toiletries aisle at the local grocery. I knew something was peculiar because of the juke box that was set up next to the foot long gerkins. Well, a little goes a long way, and the next thing I know, I'm digging another ditch in old McCluggens's schoolyard, if you catch my drift...

DON'T LOOK'IT ME! YOU HAVE TO LEAVE OR ELSE IT'S ALL RUINED!

GENERAL INTERESTS
Now, if it hadn't been for Sammy and his little lady there, I'd be in a mess of trouble, I'll tell you. I mean, that broom...it was something else! And to think we were about to give it to that Injun. Good thing my Army training kicked in, else I might've made more than just the two mistakes, if you catch my drift...

MUSIC INTEREST
WHY ARE YOU TALKIN LIKE THAT! NO MORE TALKY! YOU'LL RUIN THE WHOLE THING, STOP TALKIN LIKE THAT NOW - YOU HEAR! I KNOW YOU HEAR!

MOVIES
So the sergeant says to me, he says, 'Captain Smarm, I know you're one of the smart ones. So why you gotta go and do a thing like that? That poor boy never hurt a fly.' But I know a man when I see him, you see. I know when he's good and when he ain't, and there weren't nuthin good about that horse, I tells yuh. So I'll just go outside and get it, then.

TELEVISION
LA LAW sure was a fine program. That and the WWF. What happened to the WWF?

BOOKS
So if you take a man to his limits, then you really understand him. That's what I was always tryin' to EXPLAIN to my boy. Weren't a thing I done that I regret. I showed Calpurnia where to hunt, I set the trap, and I knew just what was comin.

HEROES
And if the Good Lord don't forgive a thing like that, well I don't know who will.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!

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